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You may have noticed that my blog posts have all but dried up this year. I’ve taken most of my stories, thoughts, and poetry to Medium. If you miss my writings you can subscribe to my publication Write it Out to join my journey of feels.

Origin story

This story starts when I was 8

I saw a movie, it was great

A robot searching for humanity

A lonely robot, that was me

A short life seeking near perfection

Thrown by this little interjection

Determined to determine my own fate

I decided for the first time when I was 8

No one will tell me what I will be 

Discover my humanity through technology 

200 years, whatever it takes

Humanoid robots I will make

I came across a small distractions 

I’m bald at 11 from a chemical reaction 

A scientist in deed and in heart

I took my science, I made my art

In time I later Discovered Eden 

I kept it up for practical reasons

A small distraction to a new career

But there are no robots here

20 years later with mom’s death in sight

I summoned my courage and all my might

To do what I did as a child

Quit my rules of perfection, into the wild

I decided for the first time when I was 8 

I saw a movie, it was great 

Discover humanity through technology

I decide everyday who I will be

My Friends

Most of my friends are my friends because of the life that we’ve experienced together. These random moments where life brought us together bonded us. From choir practice in elementary school to group projects in CS classes, these opportunities to do life together have drawn us close and opened the door to a lifetime of relationship. The depth and the longevity may vary but the connectedness remains. Even when I forget a name in my heart there are memories of the moment we first knew each other. There seems to always have been a part of me that yearned to be a part of someone else’s story and to open a chapter in mine for them. 

As I scroll through my phone contacts and Facebook friends I reimagine our moments or the ones that followed. The themes are laughter, curiosity, ambition, teamwork, food and rest. There are those in whom I instantly recognized a spark that ignited fire in my own personality and others whose quiet composure drew me in to explore the contrast of such a complimentary presence. 

I see myself as light and dark. As R&B and punk rock. As an introverted extrovert who loves the science of art and the art of science. I am as multifaceted as the people who have poured into me, came along side me and even walked away. I’m grateful for the eternal chaos of the universe that saw fit to move our atoms near enough that we could communicate and co-exist in this time to create love, tension and progress.

And that’s what I think of my friends. 

My Life is Not My Own

My life is in my hands.

Sometimes I hold it too tightly. Sometimes I take myself too seriously.

I know it's weird but I see value in me. I want to be prepared to live a life that is honorable and useful to others. I have this entirely selfish desire to be selfless which is why I can't allow myself to over indulge in earthly pleasures.

They are good, they are real but they are temporary. The eternal joy found when you change a life echoes through time forever. I want to be the catalyst for generations of change, love, and progress.

So for me it is worth boundaries, patience and a guarded heart until the right person comes along to help lead me and soften my heart to myself. And if they don't I'll be okay because I understand the greater purpose of my life. 

I am honored to have the responsibility of being who I am. It's not always fun, I don't always want it but ultimately it's who I am and I've embraced that. I have been blessed beyond measure and I strive only to reflect and reciprocate the love I've received through a curated life of service.

My life is not my own.

Romans 12:12

The tides of life may rise and fall
The grip of pain entraps is all
But in the midst of grief and sorry
Hope brings joy now for tomorrow

While there’s breath and heart still beating,
Though it too is short and fleeting, 
We cry out the benediction
Overcoming all afflictions

Tested, tried, and tattered too
Broken but sure what to do
We stand steadfast, tightly clinging
To the praise and prayers we’re singing

Father I seek peace and mercy
Be my well for I am thirsty
Take what I can’t stand to bare
Show me that you’re always there

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. - Romans 12:12

Here and Gone

I washed my face.

I brushed my teeth.

I’m tired and I need some sleep.

But in my mind

And soon my dreams

Are visions of what could have been.

I play it back,

The moment when

I should’ve said, “Let’s meet, again.”

But in its stead

The silence grew

No chance for “us”.

Just me. And you.

You’ve excited me and inspired me to poetry.

Could be meant to be, just call it destiny or wait and see.

I’m tired of complacency; I yearning for what waits for me.

I’ve looked inside the book and said the words now it’s finally.

Here.

And gone.

SF Rain

It rained 

It rained a Seattle kind of rain

And the wind sauntered in on cue

The puddles swelled and the people yelled

To the heavens, “ oh what must we do”

But my heart it yearned 

Because it had learned that the rain is a gift and a clue

To be back inside, with some tea beside

A fireplace warming you

But in SF 

They don’t pass this test

It’s a secret quest

In the pac northwest 

They’ve No Mountain sky

They’ve No Needle high

And their Dub is missing a U

It’s just nature’s trick 

To make me homesick

So I guess I’m just left feeling blue

6 days, 7 nights

I've recently started taking fantastic trips to celebrate the New Year in a place I've never been. This time I went by myself to O'ahu for some much needed relaxation. Below are my thoughts and learnings from that time. With each day a different song rang in my ears on repeat. I've linked those as well. I hope that even though the time alone was for me that you can benefit from it too.

Day 1: Let it be

Today’s lesson was learning that instead of thinking about what I’m supposed to be doing I should consider what I want to be doing and that just this week, doing nothing is an acceptable answer. 

Song: Hey Jude

 

Day 2: Treat yourself

I think everyone realizes, during the overindulgence that usually accompanies vacation, that they should take more time or do more things for themselves. I was reminded of that and also that I can be a source of my own happiness. I can reward myself for the things I am proud of instead of waiting for acknowledgement or recognition from someone else.

As I sat seaside, eating shave ice, I began to feel powerful and confident. You can’t stop the motion of the ocean. It’s pulled by an unstoppable and invisible force with purpose and precision. Low to high. Dawn to dusk. No one can't stop me because I am also driven by forces they cannot understand or control.

Song: Somewhere Only We Know

Day 3: Respect your own boundaries

I got up early and saw a rainbow. I climbed a crater surrounded by hundreds of people. I like people. People are great. But sometimes I just want to be alone. I've learned that I need the quiet time to remind myself of my truth, to center my focus, and to reflect on my life.  To be honest I think I would be hermit if so many lovely humans hadn't pulled me out of my cave and showed me the joy that comes from loving others. 

But regardless, I get to decide when I accept the limitations of who I think I am and when I'm ready to push myself to do or be more than I know I am. When it's my choice there are no excuses and no one to blame. There is also peace in the decision because I constantly seek to know myself. Sometimes I'm just not going to climb the mountain. Sometimes I'm going to put on my headphones and walk with my head down. Maybe I'm not being my best self but at least I know that.

I am thankful for the people who remind me who I am and who I could be.

Song: Know Who you Are

Day 4: Being adopted

It would be great to be here deepening bonds with friends I already have but it’s been amazing to see how people have responded to my singleness. I thought that maybe they felt bad for me or maybe I'm emitting some positive vibe that makes people willing to engage and welcome me to be apart of their existence.

Each day during an excursion a family or couple would take me in as their own. We would eat together and talk about life back on the mainland. I met a woman who lived in the city I just moved away from and recommended that she check out the church I loved. I met a couple who were both surgeons who let me talk to their sons about what it's like to be an engineer.

Lastly, I met a mother with her two adult children who were away after the 10 year anniversary of the death her oldest daughter. For that day she let me fill that gap. She let me be her lost daughter with all the perks, benefits and love that comes from a mother. It was an honor.

Song: I Don’t Want to Set the World on Fire

Day 5: Don’t blow it

Today was pretty emotional. I was disappointed in myself, again, for not doing more things and going more places. I was regretting risks that I had taken and things that I had done before I got to Hawaii. I was tired of being by myself. I longed to get back to my to-do list so I could feel the pleasure that comes from getting things done. It was raining. I was missing Seattle and the life I had left behind. I felt like one in a billion.

By some random happenings I ended up meeting up with 2 girls I had met days before to have the deepest real talk session in the history of my adult life. After that I realized that, despite what seemed like a track record of success, I was afraid to face this next year. I was worried that my best was behind me and that there was too much new for me to get a handle on it. I met two women who shared their stories of pain, growth, and triumph with me and became determined to continue writing my own.

Everyday is an opportunity to be an example and encourage. Everyday is an opportunity to be encouraged and to seek an example.

Song: Famous Last Words

Day 6: Peace, be still

Contentment follows gratefulness. In the rush of life there are few moments reserved to admire the beauty in the world and acknowledge your own place in it. I sat quietly most of this day not wanting to leave. I enjoyed the level of mental stimulation I achieved, the absence of distractions and the newness of everything I saw, heard, ate, touched and smelled. But adventure is all around us. Home, no matter how long you've been there, can surprise you with unexpected wonders if you change the way you look at it. So I think I'm ready to go.

Song: Be Wherever You Are

Thanks for reading! Enjoy the full 6 days, 7 nights playlist (with bonus songs)  and pretend that you were with me.

ABC's of a Growth Mindset

A

Acknowledge that you have opportunity to grow. No one is perfect. What are opportunities for you to strengthen a weakness?

B

Believe that the person you are seeking feedback from has your best interest in mind. Don't be defensive. Listen closely and take note of what makes you react.

C

Consider the feedback. Ask clarifying questions and for recommendations on how to improve. Seek people who have your weakness as a strength.

The Good Fight

I can feel the anxiety crawling out from the unsurrendered parts of my heart. It wraps its arms around my throat so my breath is short and scarce. My heart is pounding. My stomach is in knots and "what ifs" are fluttering like wasps inside my brain.

I close my eyes and beg for peace and silence. Clicking, scrolling and searching for an outlet for the massive weight crushing my chest and draining my optimism.

All I can think of is things to stop, things I'm going to lose and hard decisions bound to be ripe with bitterness and regret.

I ask Lord make me strong. Lord show me the way. I tighten my grip on my life and my situation.

I pray God change these people. Jesus make me like you. Only he can change me to be who I need to be to make it through. I'm not enough.

I shout Lord have your way and pour out every ounce of faith I can muster. It all goes black. Silence envelopes me.

I am alone floating in space with God. Whispering his age old promises. Suddenly I remember who He is but I still struggle daily to live as though His words are true. 

What will it take?