One day I realized that if I didn't start making a plan for the day that I was going to waste it. First the day, then the month and eventually my life.
As a child I had seen a life well lived change many others. This is the life I wanted for me.
But my mind is too wild to just jump from task to task as I remember what needs to be done, what must be done, and what is to be avoided.
It may seem weird carve out time for spontaneity, for freedom of choice or for rest but when your brain moves at a million miles a minute you have to set boundaries in order to be functional.
I have moved from a series of alarms with sounds associated with different behaviors (wake up, eat, work, play, sleep) to a check list of things where I have options to choose what I want to do that day.
It's not about finishing the whole list it's about committing to progress without feeling overwhelmed by the sheer number of things it takes to survive as a human and also to have the life I want.
I can't do it all and I try really hard not to punish myself for that. In moments of weakness I go dark and spiral into a period of neglect. No more chores, no food, no email, just walks and naps and water.
It's far from the healthiest thing but I can proudly say that this habit is dying. I have allowed myself to be loved, to be cared for and to be supported. I am reminded that my strength is not my own and that all I have to do is choose one thing and start.
At 25 I still wonder who I'm supposed to be. I feel responsible and accountable to people I don't know but can influence. I feel a heavy weight and the fire of passion for work meant for something.
I can't control most things. I've almost completely abandoned control in favor of wisdom. I don't need to micromanage every minute of my day. I just need to have clear desires, priorities and motivation so I can make a wise choice when the time comes to choose how I will spend my time.
In the words of the Flaming Lips, "all we have is now, all we'll ever have is now".